So, its the middle of the night and I'm awake. Not all that unusual considering my age. What is unusual about the middle of the night for me is the clarity of my thoughts. When I wake up I usually wake all the way up with thoughts galore. Funny thing about tonight...I woke up from a dream where I was in labor. I was in the hospital being induced with my fourth child. I couldn't remember if I was having a boy or a girl. David was there and I was asking him. Apparently I was early delivering because I was discussing how small Catherine was when she was born and asking if this baby would be that small too. I was reading a book during my labor. Definitely never done that...even with an epidural...but in this dream I was reading a book and the nurse asked if I could do that in the bathtub and would I like to take a warm bath. I said definitely and after a little more small talk I woke up.
As I woke up Davie was on my mind. She is my fourth child. I woke with an incident that happened today at ballet on my mind. This is Davie's second year of ballet and all the little girls she is in class with are new to her except one. At the end of class all the little girls run out to find their moms. Today Davie ran up to me and said "Mom, they said I am Chinese." To which I responded "and did you tell them you are?" and she said, "no." And I said "well, you can tell them that you are an American of Chinese decent. You were born in China, but now you live here". Nothing else was said at the time that I can remember. But, later on in the car on the way home I said, "who said that you were Chinese?" and she said, "all of them". Then later on that night I asked her "who" in particular said that she was Chinese. She told me the little girl's name and said, "I was the only one that was Chinese and the rest of them were all the same." I'm sorta slow, but I'm beginning to get that she did not feel good about what had been said. I'm wondering how it was said and WHY it was said. What is so interesting to me is that one of the little girls is adopted from India and the little girl that pointed out Davie's ethnicity is 1/2 Japanese so they are not all the same....I'm not going to pursue it anymore I don't think. But, I do wonder what the other mothers have told their children about Davie. I do wonder if they felt the need to explain to their 5 year old daughters that Davie is adopted and what her situation was before her adoption. Then I wonder how I can possibly sheild her from these types of incidents for the next few years until she can have the time to grow into her situation for herself. And I am burdened for my little girl. And I wonder how to tell parents to not tell their little children more information about my little girl than they need to know. I want to tell them not to explain Davie's existence in our family until the child notices for themselves the difference and then to only explain as much as is necessary. I wonder what I'm going to do if a child who has been educated by their parents tells Davie that her "real mother" didn't want her and that is why she is adopted. My heart is so burdened for my little girl and for all the children being adopted by white families who will be forced to look at themselves as different than everyone else. Couldn't that wait...at least until she is 8 or so? Does it have to happen before they are even 5? Well, it has happened and I'm apparently not quite prepared for how to deal with it...so I'm pondering, in the middle of the night, how to prepare myself and Davie better for the next time. Honestly, what I'd like to do is just keep her home for the next few years and when I feel she is ready, then and only then, let the world at her. That would only be a few years, wouldn't it? Say 25 or so. :) love, js